The Dark Side of Fruit and Vegetables

 Simon Tierney shares a near death experience...

Two months ago I went on a health drive. I had never done this before. I was about to be 29 and I had become used to feeling “grand”: the Irishman’s answer to any inquiry about his health. An Irishman could be stretched out on a road, having been run over by a large bus and would still tell the panicking paramedics that he is “grand”. It turned out “grand” wasn’t sufficient for me anymore. I wanted to feel fantastic again.

I was aware of the incessant promulgating of the famous “5 fruit and veg”malarkey. I set about making a plan to eat five portions of fruit and veg per week. I bought two bananas, a bag of salad and two kiwis. While espousing my lofty ambitions on the subject, my friend informed me that the requirement was five fruit and veg per day. This thwarted my plans completely. How could one possibly achieve such a goal? Surely that much can’t be good for you? Would I not experience abdominal failure? Would I change colour? Where would I find time to do other things or would my days be consumed with the constant processing of vegetation?

I returned to the shop and bought twelve more bananas, eight more kiwis, three more bags of salad and several punnets of blackcurrants. My kitchen now resembled the Garden of Eden. Stepping through the door was like entering the rainforest. Monkeys started to develop a habitat in my banana grove. I could hear birds chirping as they grazed on my blackcurrants. The transformation of my kitchen from a haven of batter and frozen food treats to vegetal paradise was unnerving at first but I soon got used to it. The fruit affected me. Slowly it began to change me. I became a sort of mother-earth figure, welcoming guests to my flat by first asking them to remove their shoes and then offering them a banana smoothie served in a large conical-shaped leaf. I began to speak more slowly and played Enya on my stereo. After several weeks I abandoned electricity and used only dim candle light. I wore only a loin cloth. I stopped showering. Instead, I squeezed oranges over my body to purify the soul rather than preoccupy my mind with trivialities like cleanliness. I changed my name to Brother.

 After several weeks of my new life I began to notice some worrying physical developments. I was examining my reflection in a puddle of water, when I noticed my skin had developed a very fine layer of fur, just like a peach. My hair had developed sharp spikes, just like a bramble bush. My fingers were beginning to flake. I picked at my index finger and realised that I could peel a layer from it. Underneath the surface was a sticky substance. I licked it. It tasted sweet. I bit into it and chewed the honeyed fabric of my hand. It tasted delicious and I could not stop eating myself. Suddenly both my hands had been consumed and I had started on my left leg, which tasted like passion fruit: moist and juicy. Then I passed out.  

I woke up in a hospital several days later with a drip attached to my body and bandages around my amputated limbs. The doctor told me that I had a severe case of FADS. This is a condition that I had never heard about before. Five a Day Syndrome affects one in a thousand people and involves the extremely dangerous obsessional behaviour associated with the consumption of fruit and vegetables. The doctor informed me that I was a very lucky man because a few days more without treatment and I would indeed have become a fully formed piece of fruit. As it is, I will now live the rest of my life with a right foot which contains not bones, blood and human flesh but rather seeds, omega 3 fatty acids and calcium oxalate. I bruise easily.  

I intend to make it my life’s work to raise awareness of FADS. I am the man responsible for National FADS Day (July 21st), when we will be handing out oranges, stuffed with human flesh as a sort of controversial campaign to edify the public about the dangers of fruit. I am also hoping to conteract Jamie Oliver’s Schools Campaign by running workshops with 5-11 year olds where we will attempt to teach them about the dangers of fruit and vegetable consumption and how they can be replaced with alternatives such as chocolate and burgers.

If you are interested in FADS, please watch my documentary on RTE (July 12th, 8pm). In this programme, I visit the Central FADS Clinic in Dun Laoghaire where I meet a number of human vegetables, including a pear, an avocado (people who eat avacadoes are very prone to FADS) and a lemon who is particularly bitter about his experiences. Of particular interest is the special case of a woman who turned into a melon and then exploded when she was put next to a radiator. She is putting her life back together piece by piece.

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FADS – The Delicious Killer, RTE, June 12th, 8pm

National FADS Day – June 21st 2012